One could assert that I went through some strange phase in 2018, particularly in the last few months of it. I spent a shocking amount of money on high-end designer clothing and accessories. I don’t know the exact amount but I do know it was outrageous. Almost all of it was heavily discounted as if that makes it less shocking.
I do like to amuse myself at times by speculating what the full retail price would have been and I can say without a doubt it was equal to a new car, or in actual prices a very nice used car, or perhaps three trips to Europe. But I didn’t need a car and could not take the time for travels which leave nothing behind but joyous memories if all goes well. I needed a new experience, a distraction from a mundane life and job stress, not to mention smoothing out the rough edges of my heightened anxieties. It became a way for me to reward myself with prizes I could see, wear, and fondle, simultaneously maintaining an awareness of, and the need to eventually control, the addiction to it. I suppose I have succeeded.
At no point during this shopping frenzy was my motivation ever about ostentatiousness or putting on airs. In order to do that you actually need to be out in public, and I rarely am. I don’t even have a social circle but if I did they wouldn’t know the difference if I was wearing Loro Piana or Banana Republic, and I really wouldn’t want it any other way. Anyway, I think the most vulgar displays of money dispersal are when you pay to basically become a walking advertisement for a brand, and I have never wanted to go that route, and I haven’t.
I try to keep away from visible logos, or keep them as inconspicuous as possible. After months of studying fashion I can now spot a few designers based on how their clothes are designed as opposed to seeing their name emblazoned across the front of a t-shirt. The only time I ventured in this direction was with the handbag which has the designer’s name repeated across the shoulder strap, but at least it’s subtle brown lettering on brown material and not yellow on blue! But, only in jest will I ever say, “would you pass me my Ferragamo, please?” It will most likely be something like, “would you reach in my purse and hand me my chopsticks, please?”
The clothing I chose appeals to me — the quality of fabrics, where they are made, intricate details like buttons, zippers, threads, and stitching mean as much to me as patterns and colours. It is a way for me to feel connected to people who enjoy the art of design and in some cases with people who have been in the textile business for generations. Wearing these materials makes me feel good.
Now that my closet is full I can begin the next phase of the experiment which is even more fascinating: deciding what I like best. For me, it is really impossible to truly know how much I like something, whether it’s a shirt or a pair of shoes, from trying it on a dozen times in my bedroom strutting and posing in front of the mirror. When I cut the tags off, put it on and go out to lunch my mind becomes distracted by other things which pushes the clothing away from the forefront of my thoughts. Sometimes they fight back — a slightly scratchy label in the neck of a shirt for instance which I never noticed while my attention was focused on how I looked wearing it.
The most lovely surprises are when I simply feel comfortable, when the shirt or trousers become one with me, and sometimes it happens unexpectedly. There are shirts I’ve bought because the patterns were fascinating or the colours were vibrant and bold and appealed to my eye. And over time I discover the ones I adore most are the ones in a solid colour, or perhaps with the tiniest pattern, imperceptible to anyone around me, or because the fit happens to be so perfect it seems tailor made for my body.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the possible combinations of outfits I could wear. Over time it will all have a sense of purpose as some of them will become strictly autumn, winter and spring wear completely separate from the 40ºC summer gear. This is especially true with the outerwear. There are a few jackets I will only wear on cold days, and some will only be worn on cold and rainy days, while others will see action on cold sunny days. There is some humour in the fact that I can literally put together an ensemble ideal for every two or three degree change in temperatures. Overkill? Maybe.
A full year will be needed to assess all of this as I migrate away from heavier fabrics to lighter fabrics in the coming weeks (or days, since warm April thunderstorms have commenced). I will have to continue resisting the desire to constantly put on my favourites in order to get two or three wearings from other things, and some of those things will likely becomes favourites as well. As much as I hate to admit it, there is a high probability that a few things won’t even get worn until 2019 begins drawing to a close with the first autumnal chill. And I’m OK with that. It’s nice to look forward to something.
Ultimately, it will be interesting to interpret my feelings about it all and see what eventually may end up in the second-hand shop where, ironically, I used to buy a lot of shirts before I went off the deep end. Or perhaps snobbery will eventually prevail and I’ll end up like Edina Monsoon and refuse to simply give it away to people who shouldn’t be able to afford it and cannot possibly appreciate it. Time will tell.
Now if you will excuse me, I need to go shower and cobble together some practical fashion choices for this cool and wet April Sunday.
